It isn't even worth it half the time. I get frusterated and use all of this energy letting things get to me, and why? I have no fucking clue. Let it go, get over it.I remind myself that there isn't really anything else to do about some things. That's life, kiddo. Suck it up, take it on the chin...and fucking move on. Yes, lots of expletives will be used-either muttered out loud or just on constant roation in my mind.
I ride down Fremont heading vaguely towards school, enfuriated with how I let certain things bother me. I am better than this. Or am I? If I am than why does it bother me so much? Exactly. Because I care.Still! That of course is part of the problem. Hell, that is probably most of the problem.But how do you just stop caring? How do I convince myself that I need to not care? How did I even get here? Whoosh. I don't come to many stops, riding around on a friend's borrowed fixed gear, learning the ropes. I turn down a street a little rather than attempting track stands that I know I can't do well, especially clipped in. This is all so new to me. Riding a bike isn't just riding a bike. Riding around on a fixed gear compared to a geared road bike is a whole new beast.Its great though, its fun! Why should I let the little stuff get in the way of this fun? I nod to the cyclists I pass, attempting some sort of smile-it probably comes across more as a grimace. 'Sorry,guys, my mind is elsewhere. Yes, I am glad you are out on your bike,too, but damn it, I'm aggrivated.' Pedal, pedal, pedal. 'Oh yeah?!?!?! Oh yeah?!?!!?'Pedal, pedal, pedal. There is no stopping-only go...
Like life,eh? So I am calm now as I write this, I am remembering the good things(in general and about specific individuals)and I have stopped being so damned agitated. Because if I let all that shit get to me, I lose. Not to anyone else,per se, but to myself. And freakin'a -if you lose to yourself, well, whats the point?
So, this is all vague, no names mentioned mostly, more to protect the guilty rather than the innocent I imagine, at first cos I just wanted it to be something that anyone could write...but my thoughts aren't vague. There are names, places, events, etc. All documented, filed somewhere in my head...If I want to write more specific things I feel like I need to use names, but I don't want it to be as journal-esque as it would be if this wasn't being splayed across the internet, legs akimbo...I wanted it to be more abstract..but I feel like I also want something more solid. Facts are facts, etc. Except everything is filtered somehow-by perspective. Everyone sees something different, most of the time.
When I was out riding I was bouncing the thought in my head 'Don't fall in love. Too risky, far too risky!' but that is of course countered with 'What the hell isn't risky? Life is risky! If you don't take risks you've got nothing!" I may very well have nothing anyhow, but there is something to be gained by trying. By taking the plunge. Even if isn't obvious right away what it is, someday, somewhere it will hit you. Plus, I am a diehard romantic. Its almost sickening how I can just throw myself into some scenario-diving into an empty pool more often than not-crash hard, and then just get right back up and do it all over again. The hope, of course, is that one day the pool will be full, I will dive in with little splash and stay in the water with minimal effort. Oh, but wait. No. Effort? It will take a lot. Like taking risks, if you aren't making an effort than you may want to reconsider what the hell you are doing. Don't get me wrong here, people, sometimes things come easy...and on those rare occasions sometimes it is a good thing. But if you really think about it most things that are worth anything take effort. Hard work. No vacation. You don't get to take a vacation from life. You don't need me to tell you that though, right?
Just in case anyone is wondering-when the 'don't fall in love' thought was crashing around in my membrane it isn't because I am currently falling in love. The fact is that I already fell, and crashed. I've been trying to get over it. Um, that hasn't been working out so hot. But! I am hopeful for the future(always!). I am not looking to find solace in anyone else. I am ok with the downtime. Alone, I am used to that. Lonely? Not such a stranger to that, either.(They are seperate entities though, being alone and being lonely). Forlorn? Ha. Not really. When I am sitting around in a bad mood thinking how damn hard it is sometimes I do a reality check and think about all the hardships that other people face all the time. I have food to eat, shelter, good books, good music, a few good friends, the ability to do pretty much whatever the hell I want...what do I have to complain about? Oh, lots! But am I really so woe begotten? No. It pays to think that way sometimes. It is ok to wallow for awhile, if you must, if it helps you move on. It can be cathartic. But you can't get stuck doing that for too long, it'll just drive you crazy. Your mind can and will attempt to destroy you if you let it...The trick is to have the upperhand.
I must pause here to explain though that not everyone has the ability to overrule their mind-I recognize that mental illnesses will make otherwise wonderful people feel compeletely worthless, or overwhelm their body so much that they try to harm themselves. I have friends who have had such experiences and I recognize that to be a different battle, my struggle is not the same as theirs, though sometimes there are parallels. We're all a little crazy. But friends who try to kill themselves, sometimes repeatedly, are tormented in a different way. They are not able to just will themsleves out of the down times. Sometimes medication is a must. I am not on that boat though, fortunately. Of course, I am horrified that at some point I might find myself sinking...but I figure being sad from time to time, not wanting to face the world, is a lot different from being unable to.
I have a friend who I have had to drive to the hospital once because she tried to o.d. on pills...it was not her first suicidal attempt. She was hanging out in her room, one night when I happened to be crashing at her place for a month,and she wanders down the stairs, inquiring "----, can you drive?" My response was that,well, I could...but I didn't have a license, and why? In my mind I'm thinking she wants me to drive to the grocery store or some shit to get some late night snacks. But, no...she'd appreciate it if I could take her to the nearest hospital-cos she'd just gobbled down a bunch of pills.What the fuck? I'm upstairs grabbing the empty bottle of whatever it was, grabbing the keys, letting her get together whatever the hell she thinks she needs to go and we're off. I don't know what it was that made her decide to fight, but I'm relieved I was there. Her other roommates-who may or may not have even been around at that precise time(probably not cos they were most likely off at the bar, or someone's house doing lines of coke and/or boozin it up or whatever)-would not have been much help in such a scenario. I'm glad I was there. I am not glad that my friend, who is brilliant and beautiful and good, was getting so fucked over by her own mind. But for the fact that somewhere amidst the chaos there was the need to not die I am grateful. I have no idea what it is like to be in such a state though. I can guess at how horrifying it must be, but when I'm laying in bed, pissed off or exhausted or saddened by whatever soap opera my life seems to be being at the time I know that it is something I can get over. Without the enormous struggle that some people must face. So, in those times, I remind myself, that I oughtta be fucking overjoyed that I can override any shitty negative thought or "hard time" that I'm going through. I recognize that..but like I said earlier, sometimes you need to wallow.
But then...you need to get over it. Because not getting over it is lame. And lame is not fun for anyone, and hell, we wanna have a good time, right? Right?!?!?! Yes. Fun is the answer. Ok,ok fun isn't always the answer...but there is no always.There is no forever. Tomorrow is another day...Fuck tomorrow. Right now is another moment. You don't have to wait around for the future to get better. You have to keep moving. Open your eyes, pedal, pedal, pedal, cos stopping is hard.Try to avoid the obstacles. Sometimes you will crash. Sometimes you can't avoid. Sometimes you have to look whatever it is thats coming at you dead on and still crash right into it. If you make it out alive you're gonna be feeling pretty good.Maybe not at first...but eventually. So, there's that to think about.
I need to get some coffee...But I'm afraid to ride downhill...But fuck it, I'm a good swimmer and if the pool ever gets some water in it I'll be in 7th heaven.Until then, wanna sign my cast?