The storm hits...the storm resides.
Soooo, here it is, another day. A Friday even, which in general is viewed with excitement by the working class, but when you only work one day a week it isn't such a big deal. Lately though it feels like I have been working every day of the week, and not in the sense of putting in too much time on the job, but rather in the sense that life has been bringing me down. Or have I been bringing myself down? "The enemy is you",as Elliott Smith notes in a song. It is pretty true, isn't it? I am the only person who is relaly accountable for my own behavior, though feelings aren't behavior and thus this is where it gets convuluted. Should I be able to will myself out of feeling like the world is a horrible joke? When I catch myself wondering if I am ever going to really be content with things am I supposed to be able to look myself in the eye(in the mirror?) and say "Yes, everything will be fine"?
There are times when I think "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!" and I really believe that. The thrill of energy exploding like fireworks, that everyone has the potential to do so much, and hell, isn't this great? When people out walking their dogs make me smile, couples strolling hand in hand cause me to think "Aha! Love does exist! Awesome", the thought of a hot cup of cocoa makes me wanna make Christmas cookies and sing along to some horrible Bing Crosby music...its not my fault, I was raised this way...So, as awfully "Hallmark"-esque as that sounds those moments exist.
On the flip side there are days when I don't go outside, cos I don't want to look anyone in the eye, cos the sight of those happy couples will only remind me how alone I am, cos those dogs out walking aren't my dogs. If it were as simple as getting a dog to hold onto the happiness I'd probably have one. But living in an apartment, and going to school full time, and being broke part time do not allow for me being a good pet owner, so I walk other people's dogs from time to time, for monetary rewards, but also because those dogs are so effin happy to see me, and who doesn't want that? My brother's dog was hit by a truck and died on Thanksgiving. My brother spent the day at DoveLewis, waiting, hoping that there was something that could be done. I guess he wound up having to make the executive decision on the dogs life. He feels awful about it but decided that putting the dog down was the best option. Teh dog maybe could have been ok, but the chances were slim, so he had to make the call. He is so saddened by the loss of that dog,and I understand why, its awful when something you love has to go away. But what can I say to console him? "I'm sorry about your dog" the words sound so hollow when I utter them over the phone. I am sorry about his dog, it isn't a lie, but I am more sorry that he is in a place where the loss of that dog is probably the largest ache he will be feeling.By which I mean, our family is in a ridiculous state of affairs, he is dating and loving with a woman who he doesn't love and has been saying he is going to leave practically since they met(ok-there was th ehoneymoon period when they first met adn went on soem dates adn were having a great time-but everyone has that at first.Or if they don't then that should go to show how well it won't work out), he constantly pushes himself too far(with work) . To put it simply: it makes me feel awful that my own brother can connect more with a dog than the people who are meant to be important to him.
But, of course, the thing of it is a dog is not going to hurt you.A dog is not going to break your heart. But going back to what I started out with, is anyone else going to, really? Or do we do it all to ourselves? As adults anyhow, don't we have the power to put ourselves in better situations? I think we can only do so much though before other people come into play. Afterall, if it were as easy as convincing yourself that you were the only entity that mattered I'm fairly certain there'd be more isolation and more happiness. If I could actaully convince myself that I don't need other people to garner happiness wouldn't that be so much easier? Ahhhh, but theres the rub. I buy into the notion that I do need to be involved with other people, that conversation and involvement is crucial and beneficial. I can be happy on my own, but without being to share any of that happiness I start to wonder what is going wrong. I am social, as we all are really by nature, but when I spend a lot of time on my own, I start to question my approach to things.
Perhaps I shouldn't be content at times to dance around my apartment alone?Shouldn't I be out with other people, doing things in a group? Safety in numbers, innit? Well, sign me up, I'd love to be doing that, but where in the hell is my group?
I told a friend yesterday that I was going to try not to be so serious. Hmm, that didn't seem to work out too well.I slept a good portion of the day away yesterday after having an emotionally distraught evening the previous night. When I finally got around to remindingmyself I actaully had shit to do I started reading for my hstory class but didn't get far before having to go to bed.The book, "Resurrecting Empire" by Rashid Kalidi certainly isn't going to help me to belive that the world is ok.Its about the impact of the west and America's "perilous path in the Middle East". You can guess that it is going to be grim, and full of real information that I'd rather not have. A story I read prior to settling down to start the school reading,out of the latest McSweeneys, was about the sad state of Aboriginal peoples in modern day Australia, and in the Mercury, there was the reminder of all the horror Rwanda has been through(with a joking reference that Michael Jackson's upcoming visit was sure to be the worst). Haha, not very funny. All this pain. So how do I shake it off? How do I get over it? How do I say "Sorry world, I guess you're on your own"? To qoute a line out of Woody Guthrie song "ain't it hard, ain't it hard, ain't it hard". Hell, yeah, it is hard. Sometimes. As my friend reminded me last night "But tomorrow is another day". So here we go...I'm not holding my breath, or crossing my fingers, but I'll try to play nice...