Vignettes of possiblity...
One.
You learn to hold your breath in order to make it.You hold your breath until it feels like your lungs will burst and then when you exhale/inhale your heart pounds envigorated.Oxygen! You are alive(these gulps of air are your proof).You swim lap after lap in the rundown pool, you swim years of your life away:you can hold your breath for a full lap.This seems like a long time.Push and pull yourself through the resisting water.
This is you becoming strong.
You wait for something(anything) good to happen.You hold your bretah, dreaming. You find there are those days when you are sleepwalking trhough your existence.Breathe in, breathe out.
Once,when you were very young, you believed,honest to goodness!,that people were good.You understood love because in your naivette of childhood you loved everyone who crossed your path.You saw no problem to reaching out to anyone.Your mother recounts a three year old you bubbly and extrovertedly proclaiming to strangers on the bus "I like your shoes!"or starting up any sort of conversation. You can't recall this but you can picture it.You knew you were a person, that the man on the bus and the old lady living up the street and your baby sister were people, too. What's not to understand?We are the same, but different.
...
You will know what it is to be alone.And the observation will hit you like a freight train,randomly, on cold winter nights, in the middle of a hot summer day, in the spring when flowers bloom and hormones are exploding, in the fall as the leaves change colors before abandoning their homes. In every season you are subject to the realization.You will feel it and you will crumple up inside like a sheet of paper in somebody's palm. A rough draft that just isn't cutting it.Tossed to the floor with frusteration, because there is a need to start over.You will get over it, throw another record on that ole record player.This is you becoming stronger in the midst of your greatest weakness.Fear.Breathe in.You are holding your breath and you will make it.

Two.
Like trying to fit puzzle pieces together that almost fit, but not quite.So I keep falling to my knees,and I crawl before I can stand.

Three.
Play the music loud, now louder, in order to illustrate that you must be alive because you can hear this, because this sound can penetrate you.

Four.
I see through your base actions,I am not fooled by what you are trying to do.I have not come this far without learning a thing or two.

Five.
These are not excuses.These are reasons, these are my explanations.Don't admonish me for offering them up, for I am only trying to make it easier.

Six.
What if, instead of protesting, you gave in to the possibility? What if you at least said "maybe" instead of cyring out "No!" with such determined ferocity? "Never!" You are not a pirate.
What if, instead of holing up within your own solitude, you could climb that tree and go out on a limb? It is, of course, possible, feasible even, that you may fall...but what if, instead of fearing, you just said "To hell with it all!"? We are constantly falling anyhow so we should know by now: there is no real protection.
This is life.
What if, instead of accepting mediocrity, we demanded something more?

Seven.
You've seen so many movies that you've begun to think of life in cinematic terms.You want to yell "Cut!" when the going gets tough, you want multiple takes.But this sure ain't Hollywood,baby, so lets get that clear from the start.
You hear a song in a cafe and you imagine its place in some soundtrack.What scene would it be just so well suited for? You have these images unfolding in your head.
You want to fire the wardrobe lady, because clearly she has not been doing her job well lately. The entire cast of characters is shoddily dressed, including you. Where did all these clothes come from? And when will you ever wear them? You aren't exactly the type who will be popping open bottles of champagne on the Riviera come this New Year's,are you? So what in the hell do you have that ball gown for? Also, were you aware of what year this is? How many times have you ever rode a horse? What are those cowboy boots doing on your feet? Why do you have several outfits that reak of country living when you have always lived in the city?
Reluctantly you admit that you know life is not like it is in the movies...but that doesn't mean you want to be faced with the dull reality of the everyday all the time. That, my friends, is too much to take on all the time.

Great Scott..Back to the Future...
Well,well,well, looky here folks,it is Friday once again and thankfully I am feeling far less pessimistic this week. It is difficult to pinpoint what,if anything, has really changed, but I'm not gonna worry about it,as that most likely will only fuel the fire...I prefer at this juncture to be content with coals...
Whatever.
So,what I'm saying here is I can't be bothered to examine big issues right now cos I need to focus on things that are making me semi happy. Cookies? check. Movies? check. Friends? check. School about to be over for the term? check. Bikes? check...but all three of mine are in various states of despair. Despite valiant efforts by a friend none of them is gonna be in pristine shape any time soon. The cross bike has the most hope,I'm pretty sure a quick tightening of brakes,and changing the tires to slicks is all it really needs, but not having any expendable income for the next month plus is going to make acquiringthose things difficult. The road bike...it has seen better days.My friend admonished me for riding it around in the sorry state it is in...Being the stubborn redhead that I am, I just protested my non bike mechanic saavy,and hence innocence,and looked down at the steps vs. meeting his gaze. Ok,ok, I know...I shoulda got it looked at sooner. Sheesh. I don't deny that...but,well,um...I've been thinking about a bunch of other stuff and it hasn't been my top priority. The mountain bike...hmm...I aim to ride it a bit...someday soon.
I had some good story ideas yesterday whilst lounging about my apt,and during a cookie making marathon(note:baking on small cookie trays in a small oven is a tedious task) but of course I didn't bother to write them down and now I have already mostly forgotten them.Oh well, I suppose if I ever get serious about wanting to write a story then the ideas will return.If not then perhaps it was never meant to be.(Why take action when you can just wait for your destiny to unfold?ho hum).
These thoughts are a jumble of disorginization,I'm aware, but that is the way they occur in my head. Welcome to my head, please don't mind the mess...you know, you clean up sometimes but inevitably the clothes pile up on the floor, books are littered about, the dvd remote is under the folding chair, there is no table anywhere,and somewhere in the place are those (fill in the blank) you've been looking for. You'll find it when you stop looking. You know what I mean?
I just read the latest issue of McSweeneys and was pretty thrilled with it. I don't know why I just let it sit around since it arrived but I did and now after finally getting around to it I am reminded of why I like reading so much.I have to read issue 20 now,as I let that sit around even longer, but hell I bought the thing so its not as if it was going anywhere.I have all these books checked out from the library,too, much to my chagrain I forgto to renew them and now have a hefty library fine.Don Quixote is on the winter break reading list...We'll see how that goes. I've been meaning to read it for awhile but I've been distracted.
I am trying to let bygones by bygones,with myself, and remember that the past is behind us, and the future is now..So, like a good Elvis Costello album is titled:"Get Happy!" is going to be my short term goal. I know that I have a hard time of not thinking seriously about a lot of things, about just being and taking comfort in that alone, but hell, it gets easier sometimes and taking advantage of that knowledge is key. Why we get caught up in things so much, thinking that there is some purpose, is beyond me, but I get suckered into it along with everyone else.Waking up to the reality,though not always pleasant, is a good way to get over it.
Eat,drink, and be merry? Ok. I'm on it.

The storm hits...the storm resides.
Soooo, here it is, another day. A Friday even, which in general is viewed with excitement by the working class, but when you only work one day a week it isn't such a big deal. Lately though it feels like I have been working every day of the week, and not in the sense of putting in too much time on the job, but rather in the sense that life has been bringing me down. Or have I been bringing myself down? "The enemy is you",as Elliott Smith notes in a song. It is pretty true, isn't it? I am the only person who is relaly accountable for my own behavior, though feelings aren't behavior and thus this is where it gets convuluted. Should I be able to will myself out of feeling like the world is a horrible joke? When I catch myself wondering if I am ever going to really be content with things am I supposed to be able to look myself in the eye(in the mirror?) and say "Yes, everything will be fine"?
There are times when I think "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!" and I really believe that. The thrill of energy exploding like fireworks, that everyone has the potential to do so much, and hell, isn't this great? When people out walking their dogs make me smile, couples strolling hand in hand cause me to think "Aha! Love does exist! Awesome", the thought of a hot cup of cocoa makes me wanna make Christmas cookies and sing along to some horrible Bing Crosby music...its not my fault, I was raised this way...So, as awfully "Hallmark"-esque as that sounds those moments exist.
On the flip side there are days when I don't go outside, cos I don't want to look anyone in the eye, cos the sight of those happy couples will only remind me how alone I am, cos those dogs out walking aren't my dogs. If it were as simple as getting a dog to hold onto the happiness I'd probably have one. But living in an apartment, and going to school full time, and being broke part time do not allow for me being a good pet owner, so I walk other people's dogs from time to time, for monetary rewards, but also because those dogs are so effin happy to see me, and who doesn't want that? My brother's dog was hit by a truck and died on Thanksgiving. My brother spent the day at DoveLewis, waiting, hoping that there was something that could be done. I guess he wound up having to make the executive decision on the dogs life. He feels awful about it but decided that putting the dog down was the best option. Teh dog maybe could have been ok, but the chances were slim, so he had to make the call. He is so saddened by the loss of that dog,and I understand why, its awful when something you love has to go away. But what can I say to console him? "I'm sorry about your dog" the words sound so hollow when I utter them over the phone. I am sorry about his dog, it isn't a lie, but I am more sorry that he is in a place where the loss of that dog is probably the largest ache he will be feeling.By which I mean, our family is in a ridiculous state of affairs, he is dating and loving with a woman who he doesn't love and has been saying he is going to leave practically since they met(ok-there was th ehoneymoon period when they first met adn went on soem dates adn were having a great time-but everyone has that at first.Or if they don't then that should go to show how well it won't work out), he constantly pushes himself too far(with work) . To put it simply: it makes me feel awful that my own brother can connect more with a dog than the people who are meant to be important to him.
But, of course, the thing of it is a dog is not going to hurt you.A dog is not going to break your heart. But going back to what I started out with, is anyone else going to, really? Or do we do it all to ourselves? As adults anyhow, don't we have the power to put ourselves in better situations? I think we can only do so much though before other people come into play. Afterall, if it were as easy as convincing yourself that you were the only entity that mattered I'm fairly certain there'd be more isolation and more happiness. If I could actaully convince myself that I don't need other people to garner happiness wouldn't that be so much easier? Ahhhh, but theres the rub. I buy into the notion that I do need to be involved with other people, that conversation and involvement is crucial and beneficial. I can be happy on my own, but without being to share any of that happiness I start to wonder what is going wrong. I am social, as we all are really by nature, but when I spend a lot of time on my own, I start to question my approach to things.
Perhaps I shouldn't be content at times to dance around my apartment alone?Shouldn't I be out with other people, doing things in a group? Safety in numbers, innit? Well, sign me up, I'd love to be doing that, but where in the hell is my group?
I told a friend yesterday that I was going to try not to be so serious. Hmm, that didn't seem to work out too well.I slept a good portion of the day away yesterday after having an emotionally distraught evening the previous night. When I finally got around to remindingmyself I actaully had shit to do I started reading for my hstory class but didn't get far before having to go to bed.The book, "Resurrecting Empire" by Rashid Kalidi certainly isn't going to help me to belive that the world is ok.Its about the impact of the west and America's "perilous path in the Middle East". You can guess that it is going to be grim, and full of real information that I'd rather not have. A story I read prior to settling down to start the school reading,out of the latest McSweeneys, was about the sad state of Aboriginal peoples in modern day Australia, and in the Mercury, there was the reminder of all the horror Rwanda has been through(with a joking reference that Michael Jackson's upcoming visit was sure to be the worst). Haha, not very funny. All this pain. So how do I shake it off? How do I get over it? How do I say "Sorry world, I guess you're on your own"? To qoute a line out of Woody Guthrie song "ain't it hard, ain't it hard, ain't it hard". Hell, yeah, it is hard. Sometimes. As my friend reminded me last night "But tomorrow is another day". So here we go...I'm not holding my breath, or crossing my fingers, but I'll try to play nice...