I am going under
This I know for sure
I watch it from afar
disconnecting
as my ghost bobs about in a lifevest
My ship sinking
I know, I know
I am not even bailing out the water
I am trying hard to not try at all
I am running away
As I stand so still

I will one day be gone
and tears that will fall then
won't do me any good
So instead my friends I ask of you
to reach out and tell those you love
Is it squirmy,uncomfortable?
Is it giving too much?
Oh do I love you?
I will tell you
I will holler from mountain tops
I will whisper in cars
When you go my tears may not run rivers
but I will already have let you know
I sit all alone in a rectangle
and a record spins
announcing a sorrow that is tapped into
For those already gone
I wish you were here

Here we go loopty-loo
I see a stretch of road
fit for strollin'
If you cross my path I'll tip my hat
and wish you well on your way
My aim is nowhere
for I am just wandering
Back and forth I may retrace my steps
Should I lose sight of the road I won't be lost for long

You kick up those legs
You stomp down that foot
Oh Eliza-Jane
You've got a nice black boot
Spin in circles
Throw back your head
Laugh out loud
and sparkle those eyes
There she goes a-dancin'
There she goes a prancin'
You will see her every night
(Even if its only in your dreams)

Take me home
to that house in the woods
on the mountain
by the sea
Take me far away from the city I know
Let me leave it all behind
If I go alone I'll only have me
I'll only have me
I dream
I try
But if you take me to your porch and we drink our coffee black
I will be fine
I will be yours
I will be mine
If we go together

Three wives you have had
Several children you have sired
Two so new
What was it that made you go?
ups and downs
and crashing is painful
Babbling new sounds
as you play your guitar
as you complain about "if only"
Tattoo of Betty on your arm
You wanted to sail the world
but you never even had a boat
Sometimes I feel these dreams
You are imprinted in me in ways
I can not understand
Would we have liked each other?
Would you have took me out driving,
would you let me sneak a cigarette
or would you denounce such habits as you took your own drags?
Would you have hoped for the best for me?
And my brother,
would you have helped him to be a man among men?
Would you show him anything?
Who were you when all is said and done?
Did you cry yourself to sleep at night bursting lonely?
Did you love too hard?
And oh my mother, did she not understand?
Did you frighten her with love?
Or was it arguments, or instability or refusal to try?
In a truck in the storage center by a bridge in 1982 you gave up.
Sometimes the trying gets to be so hard.
So hard.

"Where is my mind?"

Its been over two months since I wrote anything, which makes sense since my last post stated I was getting bored with the process. A lot has happened in those two months though and I may have benefitted from writing some of it here, I forgto my password though and was too lazy to reset it.
To start with I broke my arm in March and that caused a whirlwind of not so great moments. I had to withdraw from the end of the term at school, I couldn't use my arm, I was on some presricption narcotics for slightly under two weeks(at which point I'd had more than enough of the emptiness/frusteration the meds were causing and I took myself off of them), I couldn't work for three weeks, I was in a rut. People who I thought should be very sympathetic seemd to be havinag a hell of a time of assisting me in any way, shape or form. Perhaps that is a selfish thought, but as far as I'm concerned when the bad times roll around and people aren't there to help then that is lame.
Finally though my arm is healing, I am attempting to regain control.
Meanwhile, as I was physically suffering and doing my best to not let it get to me too much I was doing a lot of thinking about people, including myself, and the responsibilities we all have to one another. I lunched with an old roommate and inquired about a friend of his, one who I had much respect for.He hadn't been in touch with him for a little while and I called the fellow up after lunch was over.I recieved a message saying his voicemail box was full.I don't think I tried to call again.I figured he'd see my number on his phone and call if he fel tlike it. I figured maybe I'd swing by his work at some point to say hello.
A couple weeks ago I recieved a call informing me of his death.
We weren't close friends. We were roommates, briefly, through the circumstance that one of his close friends was my roommate at the time. He came tro visit once and wound up staying with us until the two of them moved out to an apt. of their own. My old roommate,D., eventually moved out and A., the fellow in question, stayed on. I learnt only the other day that he had another roommate, who moved out in January or February. He had his final moments in that apt. All signs point to suicide, though I suppose one can't tell for certain.
That is my mind wanting to make it an accident though, most likely. The fact that he didn't leave a note isn't exactly odd, but at the same time it fills the mind with unease. Why not say goodbye, to someone? Maybe he did. Maybe he made a phonecall or two before going, It seems though that no one had heard from him in a while. He did not attend the wedding of one of his closest friends, he did not return many phone calls. He went to work, he charmed customers with his caustic wit.He was self medicating with opiates.He was brilliant, and had had enough. Or he was in such pain and had to put a stop to it.Or he was confused by the world, tryingt o make sense of it, and not being able to. perhaps a combo of all these things, along with many other thoughts. The darkness that swells up like an ocean wave and knocks you over may have taken him. I do not know.
To me A.G. was a brilliant man. A sarcastic man. A man who didn't have many peers. Despite his sharp sense of humor that I greatly enjoyed I knew there were pained feelings. We discussed a few issues over the time I knew him, but we never got too deep. He wasn't the sort of guy who was going to pour his heart out to a roommate of circumstance. I should mention though that we'd discussed the act of suicide before, he'd lent me a couple of books I was interersted in reading, intelligent explorations on the topic. When I say "we never got too deep" I mean he only gave so much of his own experience in detail. I mean he did not cry out that he needed help. I mean he didn't look me in the eye and give me the feeling that one day he would opt out of life. At the time of that specific discussion perhaps he didn't feel that way.It was years ago afterall. He did however tell me some things about his life that were upsetting to him. That conversation probably exposed more of him to me than any other, though the last discussion we ever had did entail a certain amount of dissapointment with aspects of the world.I myself feel quite down at times, and I understand what its like to feel isolated, whether you actually are or not. So when I heard the news I wasn't shocked. I was disturbed. I was meloncholy. I was slightly numb.
I cried only a bit in the time before his wake. I cried at the wake, trying to dissapear from the scene by hiding in a corner.I cried the other day. I am tearing up now. I feel that somehow I have failed him, even though I know he certainly wouldn't have expected me of all people to be anyone who could've helped. I know this but it doesn't make me any less upset at his leaving the world behind.In general I am against suicide. My father killed himself. It is quite likely that one of my best friends killed himself(though there is no real way of knowing, he may have just slipped off that three story building).As mentioned in a previous entry another friend of mine has made more than one attempt at killing herself.I understand that the world is overwhelming at times. I understand there is a certain amount of mind malfunction associated with suicide. I understand that there is suffering and that one wants to not suffer.
I do not understand letting go of hope.
I wish we could alter events. I long to have swung by his work or apt , at least to let him know that someone was thinking of him, in the hopes that perhaps that would offer enough distraction to the inner complexities, enough to pull thoughts outwards. There is no going back though.
For a troubled man, for a man whose mind was in hyperdrive: rest in peace. You will be missed greatly by your friends, by your family, and even by those you hardly knew.

whatevs

I haven't wrote much here..I'm kind of bored withthis blogging thing...but I press on. I have been writing a lot elsewhere-little "poems" or "pomes" as my good friend likes to tell me to call them.
recently I've been up and down and just feeling all over the lace. I'm tired of looking in people's eyes and not seeing anything, or maybe seeing something but not knowing what to classify it as. I'm tired of trying to understand, because it seems like a lost cause.I'm severely confused as to why I like hanging out with a certain somebody, not because I can't see the good, but because it seems so risky..to get involved with something that is maybe nothing.Most likely.
But that weird little thing called hope never leaves,no matter how often I think I've kicked it out...the invisible permanent roommate....not that I'd want to be without hope but in my case it often doesn't do me much good.
i got a telephone call from Colorado this evening, which was funny cos I was thinking about Colorado earlier this week. Apparently my friend got in a car wreck and is lucky to be alive. I'm glad to hear everyone was ok. Obviously, it is such a weird thing though, you wouldn't even suspect to hear such a thing. I knew he was going ona cross country trip, but didn't consider the possibility of only getting as far as Colorado(from New Mexico via New York). he italics went on by themselves there....ugh. ok. there we go. anyhow i have really been wanting to write in my food blog but i've been too busy.
right now i have very little energy and am eating blueberry pancakes..the joys of singledom...

I am going to start a seperate food blog. I actaully already started it but the blogger system seems to think my username and password do not match up, though I know they really do.
Anyhow,I'm over all the everything I was plagued with last week, and I have been "chillin' like a villian". Good times.
I have done some dancing about the apartamento-Sophie's, no tmine, I have rode bikes mucho, i haev dined well. Sophie and I are working on teaching ourselves some polo sjills...slowly but surely...
I could rant and/or rave about somethin or other I reckon, but why bother? I am in a good mood currently, and thought is all I really need right now.

" I wonder if I could tie the ocean to your knees"

Its all water under the bridge. Coffee is the only thing I am concerned about at this very moment. I want some. Gotta get some, but where? There are so many options....
Boredom? Don't talk to me about boredom. The self manifests its own boredom, doesn't it? But making the effort to always keep busy, that is exhausting.

I semi give up. Can I do that? Can you half quit?

Hittin' all the greens...

So, today is just a mellow day of no responsibility, hanging out, having fun. I feel like I am back in my groove, things are on the upswing. I started off my day by lounging about before taking a bath-reading and sipping coffee in the tub, ahhh, the life. Then I hopped on a bike and rode downtown, goofy riding down the ramp off of Broadway bridge-stopping on the fixed gear(on a slant) is still an effort.Ran into one of my teammates and doubled back to say hey to her, looking totally silly when trying to stop. She noticed right away, "Hey-you're clipped in!", that this was an upgrade for me. Earlier in the summer she had told me how I was going to have to take the leap at some point, how toeclips were outdated in the racing world..I don't necessarily agree with that, and I also don't even know if I wanna race, but anyhow its funny what people notice. After a brief chat we headed our seperate ways, she returning to work, I riding off to the Pearl bakery where I picked up a pain aux raisin and a loaf of walnut bread. A little later I'd swing down the street to the bike shop to pay off my debt that had accrued from getting a lock and a t-shirt on tab, but first I headed to Stumptown to grab some coffee.
I wanted an Americano- 12 oz double-cos thats my drink, yo, but the line was long and the baristas were not hustling so I gave up and just waddled up the brewed coffee and filled up a mug before heading outside. I hung out for a spell with a couple o' fellas and after they both left I went over to the post office to grab some stamps so I could finally mail the rest of my Christmas cards...Better late than never, eh?
After grabbing cash from the ATM and taking care of the aforementioned debt payback I meandered about the music store, scoring two Mates of State albums-on vinyl(I already have the cds, but I like to spin the wax, mais oui, and I didn't even know they had put their stuff out on vinyl..so of course I had to get it).The music playing in the shop sounded interesting and after inquiring as to what it was and getting a run down from the green t-shirt clad worker, i decided to buy it as well. The guy goes by Beirut(not the worker, the musician) and I already forgot the title of the album, but I like it. I rode back to S & J's apt, where I am staying this week as they gallavant about in Montreal, tidied up a bit and listened to the cd. After cleaning up at their place I was reminded that my own apt could stand some cleaning so I rode over(switching over to my road bike as I needed to haul a large bag of laundry back home)and washed the dishes that have been sitting in the sink for several days. I am plotting my move out of the apt-it served its purpose well enough for a year but there are issues-mold on the windows for starters-that make me want to get out. I am thinking of a relaly nice upgrade...rent $200 more, for a space that is only slightly bigger...but its quality not quantity that counts.
A friend of a friend,as well as some of my friends, have tried to make me see reason, by insisting that I may want to rethink the notion. That I should be trying to pay less, not more for housing, especially being a student and all. But my opinion is such: you only live once, you are responsible for your own happiness/"success" in life, you must take action to help yourself. I have never really been happy in any of the places I have lived. Well, a couple of times I suppose I have been...but recently there has always been something that could be counted as a damper on my happy home life. So, of course it would be awesome to live somewhere that had cheap rent and felt like home...But I can't be bothered to go searching around for it all the time. I have found something that I see to be a good thing, and I wanna try it out. I'm willing to work more, and pay more, for that peace of mind. Plus, nothing is for sure yet anyhow so I might not even be able to get this place I want, but I still need to move out of my apt. I might have to be transient for a month, but I don't care. I am moving forward.That is what I need to do, so I'm gonna do it.
Hell yeah.
I'd also really love to take a vacation, but that probably won't work out any time soon.I applied for a messenger job the other day, which I'd like to get p/t now and f/t in the summer, if possible, so I can set aside money.I'm not holding my breath, but if it works out it works out. If not, so be it. Take it as is. Cos its gone before you even know it...

It isn't even worth it half the time. I get frusterated and use all of this energy letting things get to me, and why? I have no fucking clue. Let it go, get over it.I remind myself that there isn't really anything else to do about some things. That's life, kiddo. Suck it up, take it on the chin...and fucking move on. Yes, lots of expletives will be used-either muttered out loud or just on constant roation in my mind.
I ride down Fremont heading vaguely towards school, enfuriated with how I let certain things bother me. I am better than this. Or am I? If I am than why does it bother me so much? Exactly. Because I care.Still! That of course is part of the problem. Hell, that is probably most of the problem.But how do you just stop caring? How do I convince myself that I need to not care? How did I even get here? Whoosh. I don't come to many stops, riding around on a friend's borrowed fixed gear, learning the ropes. I turn down a street a little rather than attempting track stands that I know I can't do well, especially clipped in. This is all so new to me. Riding a bike isn't just riding a bike. Riding around on a fixed gear compared to a geared road bike is a whole new beast.Its great though, its fun! Why should I let the little stuff get in the way of this fun? I nod to the cyclists I pass, attempting some sort of smile-it probably comes across more as a grimace. 'Sorry,guys, my mind is elsewhere. Yes, I am glad you are out on your bike,too, but damn it, I'm aggrivated.' Pedal, pedal, pedal. 'Oh yeah?!?!?! Oh yeah?!?!!?'Pedal, pedal, pedal. There is no stopping-only go...
Like life,eh? So I am calm now as I write this, I am remembering the good things(in general and about specific individuals)and I have stopped being so damned agitated. Because if I let all that shit get to me, I lose. Not to anyone else,per se, but to myself. And freakin'a -if you lose to yourself, well, whats the point?
So, this is all vague, no names mentioned mostly, more to protect the guilty rather than the innocent I imagine, at first cos I just wanted it to be something that anyone could write...but my thoughts aren't vague. There are names, places, events, etc. All documented, filed somewhere in my head...If I want to write more specific things I feel like I need to use names, but I don't want it to be as journal-esque as it would be if this wasn't being splayed across the internet, legs akimbo...I wanted it to be more abstract..but I feel like I also want something more solid. Facts are facts, etc. Except everything is filtered somehow-by perspective. Everyone sees something different, most of the time.
When I was out riding I was bouncing the thought in my head 'Don't fall in love. Too risky, far too risky!' but that is of course countered with 'What the hell isn't risky? Life is risky! If you don't take risks you've got nothing!" I may very well have nothing anyhow, but there is something to be gained by trying. By taking the plunge. Even if isn't obvious right away what it is, someday, somewhere it will hit you. Plus, I am a diehard romantic. Its almost sickening how I can just throw myself into some scenario-diving into an empty pool more often than not-crash hard, and then just get right back up and do it all over again. The hope, of course, is that one day the pool will be full, I will dive in with little splash and stay in the water with minimal effort. Oh, but wait. No. Effort? It will take a lot. Like taking risks, if you aren't making an effort than you may want to reconsider what the hell you are doing. Don't get me wrong here, people, sometimes things come easy...and on those rare occasions sometimes it is a good thing. But if you really think about it most things that are worth anything take effort. Hard work. No vacation. You don't get to take a vacation from life. You don't need me to tell you that though, right?
Just in case anyone is wondering-when the 'don't fall in love' thought was crashing around in my membrane it isn't because I am currently falling in love. The fact is that I already fell, and crashed. I've been trying to get over it. Um, that hasn't been working out so hot. But! I am hopeful for the future(always!). I am not looking to find solace in anyone else. I am ok with the downtime. Alone, I am used to that. Lonely? Not such a stranger to that, either.(They are seperate entities though, being alone and being lonely). Forlorn? Ha. Not really. When I am sitting around in a bad mood thinking how damn hard it is sometimes I do a reality check and think about all the hardships that other people face all the time. I have food to eat, shelter, good books, good music, a few good friends, the ability to do pretty much whatever the hell I want...what do I have to complain about? Oh, lots! But am I really so woe begotten? No. It pays to think that way sometimes. It is ok to wallow for awhile, if you must, if it helps you move on. It can be cathartic. But you can't get stuck doing that for too long, it'll just drive you crazy. Your mind can and will attempt to destroy you if you let it...The trick is to have the upperhand.
I must pause here to explain though that not everyone has the ability to overrule their mind-I recognize that mental illnesses will make otherwise wonderful people feel compeletely worthless, or overwhelm their body so much that they try to harm themselves. I have friends who have had such experiences and I recognize that to be a different battle, my struggle is not the same as theirs, though sometimes there are parallels. We're all a little crazy. But friends who try to kill themselves, sometimes repeatedly, are tormented in a different way. They are not able to just will themsleves out of the down times. Sometimes medication is a must. I am not on that boat though, fortunately. Of course, I am horrified that at some point I might find myself sinking...but I figure being sad from time to time, not wanting to face the world, is a lot different from being unable to.
I have a friend who I have had to drive to the hospital once because she tried to o.d. on pills...it was not her first suicidal attempt. She was hanging out in her room, one night when I happened to be crashing at her place for a month,and she wanders down the stairs, inquiring "----, can you drive?" My response was that,well, I could...but I didn't have a license, and why? In my mind I'm thinking she wants me to drive to the grocery store or some shit to get some late night snacks. But, no...she'd appreciate it if I could take her to the nearest hospital-cos she'd just gobbled down a bunch of pills.What the fuck? I'm upstairs grabbing the empty bottle of whatever it was, grabbing the keys, letting her get together whatever the hell she thinks she needs to go and we're off. I don't know what it was that made her decide to fight, but I'm relieved I was there. Her other roommates-who may or may not have even been around at that precise time(probably not cos they were most likely off at the bar, or someone's house doing lines of coke and/or boozin it up or whatever)-would not have been much help in such a scenario. I'm glad I was there. I am not glad that my friend, who is brilliant and beautiful and good, was getting so fucked over by her own mind. But for the fact that somewhere amidst the chaos there was the need to not die I am grateful. I have no idea what it is like to be in such a state though. I can guess at how horrifying it must be, but when I'm laying in bed, pissed off or exhausted or saddened by whatever soap opera my life seems to be being at the time I know that it is something I can get over. Without the enormous struggle that some people must face. So, in those times, I remind myself, that I oughtta be fucking overjoyed that I can override any shitty negative thought or "hard time" that I'm going through. I recognize that..but like I said earlier, sometimes you need to wallow.
But then...you need to get over it. Because not getting over it is lame. And lame is not fun for anyone, and hell, we wanna have a good time, right? Right?!?!?! Yes. Fun is the answer. Ok,ok fun isn't always the answer...but there is no always.There is no forever. Tomorrow is another day...Fuck tomorrow. Right now is another moment. You don't have to wait around for the future to get better. You have to keep moving. Open your eyes, pedal, pedal, pedal, cos stopping is hard.Try to avoid the obstacles. Sometimes you will crash. Sometimes you can't avoid. Sometimes you have to look whatever it is thats coming at you dead on and still crash right into it. If you make it out alive you're gonna be feeling pretty good.Maybe not at first...but eventually. So, there's that to think about.
I need to get some coffee...But I'm afraid to ride downhill...But fuck it, I'm a good swimmer and if the pool ever gets some water in it I'll be in 7th heaven.Until then, wanna sign my cast?